Why is she shy around me
Overcome and understand shyness
~ Personality explained in simple terms ~
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Shyness describes a very reserved and inhibited behavior that many people have. Some very pronounced, others only in certain situations or phases of life.
The following text is intended to help you better understand shyness. He does not provide superficial tips and perseverance, but real advice on how to seriously overcome shyness and work off.
On this page:
- Introduction - brief overview
- Explanation- What is shyness?
- Tips to overcome shyness!
Basics about shyness
V.One speaks on shy when someone is very reserved, speaks little or nothing, has problems establishing contact and is shy, inhibited and insecure in social situations. It is very difficult for shy people to come out of themselves, to look others in the eyes, to tell things about themselves and to establish or maintain contact with other people.
This is not to be confused with introverted people: being introverted doesn't automatically mean shy. Introverted simply means that someone turns their attention more inward, on their own perception and thoughts instead of other people, interactions and conversations.
You can test introversion in the short type test or with the detailed tests in my book.
Being an introvert is perfectly normal and nothing wrong at all! This is very important. Someone who is introvert should not try to change just because many around them are extroverted. Being an introvert is a perfectly normal trait and has its own advantages and disadvantages, just like being an extrovert. One should only work on it if one feels a strong introversion as an obstacle in life and has problems with contact or social interaction. Because this is called shy.
Shyness is much more common among introverts than extroverts, but by no means every introvert is shy. Even extroverted people can be shy and have trouble getting in touch, etc.
What is shyness The detailed explanation
First of all, shyness is not something that cannot be changed! It can be overcome and trained off step by step by working proactively to become more open. For tips, see below.
In order to be able to deal better with shyness, it helps to first understand where it comes from, or what shyness actually is:
There is shyness that only occurs in certain situations, e.g. when making contact with the opposite sex or when speaking in front of many people. And there is general shyness: when someone is shy in almost all social situations. This is different for every person and comes from the fact that every person has a so-called Comfort zone Has. The comfort zone includes the areas in which he feels comfortable: these are certain people (e.g. family, close friends), places (e.g. at home or in the favorite bar), interests, hobbies or work.
Shy ones take a long time Warm-up phaseuntil they warm up to new, unfamiliar people and situations and feel comfortable with them. Because with shy people, the comfort zone is usually quite small and includes only a few people and places. This is why shy people often see themselves as outsiders or loners, even if they are not perceived as such by others. They find it difficult to expand their comfort zone, and when they move outside of this comfort zone, e.g. meeting new people or at a big party, they quickly feel uncomfortable.
In such situations, shy people show physical Stress reactions: they become nervous, restless, sweat, shiver or do not know what to say. However, these reactions are normal: they are physical signals that our ancestors used to hunt thousands of years ago to warn them of danger, to prepare them to flee or fight, and which are still within us.
However, those who are shy experience these physical reactions too strongly. You are concentrating too much on yourself: the voice in your head is constantly thinking about how to affect others and what to do. They are afraid of being rejected, being ridiculous, or making a mistake. Because of this, they are stuck in their thoughts all the time. This is exactly what keeps you from coming out of yourself and doing something about it, speaking to others or having a "free" conversation without disturbing mind games. Many shy people perceive these symptoms and the associated problems as a great burden. In extreme cases, this fear can lead to the fact that social contacts are completely avoided and a social phobia arises.
However, the shy ones can learn these wrong reactions to train off and to expand your comfort zone step by step so that you are no longer hindered by shyness. This requires a lot of work and cannot be done overnight. But it can be done through regular exercise, similar to working a muscle in sports. Here are some detailed tips on how to do this.
Tips for the shy - overcome shyness:
► You are not alone:
Many people are shy. Some more, some less. Extroverts can also be shy and have trouble getting in touch, etc. However, this happens more often and more often with introverts, as they inherently find it more difficult to direct their attention outward, to overcome thoughts and feelings outwardly, while extroverts automatically find it easier. But even extroverts can sometimes find it difficult, so that they too can appear shy in certain situations. Almost everyone is or has been shy at least in certain situations. Shyness is very common, and people you wouldn't expect to be shy too. Do not compare yourself to strongly extroverted people, but make sure that there are plenty of people like you who are also reserved, but who you do not notice straight away, precisely because they are not extroverted and conspicuous, but reserved. In your circle of acquaintances or when you meet new people, first look for those who also seem cautious. It is easier for you to connect with these like-minded people.
► Warm-up phase = allow time to warm up:
It is normal for you to take longer to get used to a new person, situation, group, team, etc. This is called the warm-up phase, similar to warming up muscles during exercise. Give yourself this time and don't expect to be able to make contacts immediately and easily. An athlete cannot give 100% performance even if he has previously sat motionless on the sofa for the whole afternoon. They also need time to expand their comfort zone and to be able to establish contacts, just as the athlete needs time to warm up. Give yourself this time and then step by step come out of yourself. This warm-up phase can be shortened with practice. The following tips will help you with this.
► Don't think too much about how you affect others:
Shy people often play constantly in their thoughts on how they affect others, what they should and shouldn't say next, how they should behave, or what the other thinks about them.
Put these thoughts aside! The most important thing is that you don't get stuck in your own thoughts. Therefore, in such situations, direct your attention outwards to something else and concentrate on the next tip:
►Turn your attention outwards:
Focus on other people. Watch other people. What is he wearing, how is she acting? See what others are doing and what he or she looks like. Listen to what others are saying. This usually makes it easy to find a topic that you can start with or talk about to others.
► To begin a conversation:
An easy way to start a conversation can be a compliment or a question about a person's clothes, accessories or appearance, e.g. about an item they have with them or something they just said or the work they are doing. Focus on these external impressions and start a conversation with them. Depending on the situation, you can also offer their help or ask for help.
3-second rule (for advanced users who already know how to start a conversation; if you have problems with it: better skip this part):
if you can't bring yourself to start a conversation and think too long whether or how you could address someone, try the 3-second rule (or alternatively 10-seconds if 3 is too short for you). If you see someone you want to address, or want to address a specific topic while you are already in a conversation, do it within 3 seconds. Do not hesitate. This way you don't give yourself time to doubt, to think about whether or how you are doing something or how you work.Because the longer you think about it, the more you ponder and the more difficult it often becomes. This rule does not work for everyone, but for many this quick jump into the deep end helps if (!) You already have experience with starting conversations (otherwise not!). So that you know what to say, the next tip will help:
If you find it difficult to speak to other people, think about what you want to say beforehand. It is best to have an introductory sentence or two and a few topics that you want to talk about. You can do this specifically for certain people or conversations, or in general you can think of some introductory sentences and topics that you can generally use, e.g. at work or in sports. These can also be small talk topics such as the weather - but they don't have to be.
By the way, preparation also helps with other things: if you have an appointment with someone in a restaurant or attend a new course, take a look at the location beforehand and get used to it. Think in advance what you can expect from an event and how you can deal with it.
► I.Focus the conversation on the other person:
When in a conversation, try less on your own - possibly negative or nervous - Focus thoughts (e.g. "What should I say?" or "Oh dear, I can't think of anything")focus on the other person instead. Listen to what she says, think about it if necessary, ask questions or share your own experiences and ideas on the topic. If you show genuine interest in a person, listen properly (!), Ask questions and have a say, the conversation will be much easier and will often come naturally.
Don't overdo it: because you're nervous, don't talk too much without a period and a comma. Always take breaks in the conversation so that the other person can have their say or ask questions. Focus on what the other person is saying and doing. Look for common ground. What is this person interested in? If you can't think of anything, ask the person a question about their work, hobbies, family, etc. A conversation always involves two people. This also means that you are not solely responsible for ensuring that it works! You don't have to feel uncomfortable with short pauses in conversation. These are completely normal and will give you a breather. By the way, a smile always looks pleasant, even if you don't know what to do next.
►Open step by step:
Try to open up and overcome yourself bit by bit: tell a little about yourself, what you like to do, your hobbies, your work, what drives you, what you have experienced or where you want to go. Not all at once, of course. Take this step by step. Don't be afraid to say something 'wrong' or something that nobody cares, because when someone is honest about themselves it is always interesting.
► Do not pretend:
Many shy people do not dare to show how they really are, inside, where not everyone looks immediately. You don't have to show that to everyone. But don't think too much about how you affect others or how you want to appear. Don't pretend, don't act. Don't try to be a heavily extroverted person or someone else if you aren't. Instead, try to just be honest for who you really are. Usually this is most appealing to other people. This also means that you can be quiet or calm for a long time without saying much and that you do not always have to approach other people.
►Make shyness appear sympathetic:
Be open about your shyness, even if you may find it difficult. Tell family, friends and colleagues that you find it difficult to get in touch with others, to keep in touch longer or to talk about private things. Ask them for help, such as introducing yourself to other people or going out together. By letting others know about your shyness, they will understand that it will take you longer "to thaw". This will also prevent people from mistaking you for arrogant or disinterested just because you don't talk so much or look at others directly.
►Do not feel that you are being watched.
Many shy people feel that they are being watched, whether in a small or large group of people. They think everyone else is paying close attention to what they are doing. You feel in the center of attention, much like people who intentionally seek attention. Only that this does not trigger positive, but negative feelings in shy people.
You are not the center of attention 99% of the time. Nobody pays attention to you as much as you do. Most people are too busy with themselves to constantly watch what THEY are doing. Or do you observe all the people around you continuously and know exactly what they are doing?
Even if you are entering a room full of people, you will have their attention for a maximum of a few seconds. On the contrary: it usually takes some effort to get other people's attention. The more effort, the more people there are. You can see this well in extroverts who like to be the center of attention. With people you know, or with politicians, entertainers or TV presenters. Keeping other people's attention is not that easy. So remember: nobody is watching you all the time, most of them are far too busy with themselves.
►Don't be afraid of setbacks:
Many shy people are afraid of being rejected and therefore do not speak to anyone. If something goes wrong, don't blame yourself for setbacks. Remember that there are many reasons beyond your control: it could be the other person or the circumstances. Take pride in successes, even small ones, and think of them as you face a difficult task. Do not avoid social events and situations, but challenge yourself. Dare to take on more difficult situations step by step and gradually expand your comfort zone.
►Expand the comfort zone step by step:
Do not try to be an extrovert right away and with all your might. It does not work. Friendships take time to develop and you need time to get used to new situations and people. Think about your warm-up and give yourself the time. Do not try everything at once, but one at a time. Slowly expand your comfort zone step by step. This makes it easier for you to have positive experiences and to rely on them for your further path. Try your hand at smaller tasks first and avoid large parties and the like. until you become more confident.
For example, you can address colleagues or acquaintances you already know in order to get to know them better. Take a community college course, join an association, club, etc. or other small-scale activities where you don't meet too many new people at once. On the Internet in particular, it is very easy to make new acquaintances with people with the same interests or problems that you have. A Google search will find forums and communities for almost every topic where you can find like-minded people.
Practice contact with others as described in the tips here. It will become easier for you over time! Activities in which you have regular contact with other people are well suited for this, e.g. a part-time job at the cash register, a weekly course, voluntary work, regular sports with others, etc. etc.
Find out what's best for you and get active!
How can I help shy people?
Don't overwhelm the shy with too much social activity, too much closeness, or too much conversation. Give them a lot of (!) Time to thaw, warm up and gain confidence in you. Let yourself be pulled back to recharge your batteries. If you want to help shy people become more open or make friends, take it step by step and don't make the mistake of dragging them to events with lots of new people, as it will overwhelm them. Try to introduce them to one or a few new people at a time, and give them time to get used to.
Articles on similar topics:
In Successfully shy. The way to a new sense of self-worth Bernardo Carducci explains the background to shyness in detail and gives empathetic tips on how to overcome shyness. Note: the book is currently out of stock in stores and only available second-hand, e.g. at Amazon.
Knowledge of human nature - the great type test
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