Most white American girls are virgins

Involuntarily a virgin

"At some point I decided: if I have to wait that long, I want to have a threesome the first time," remembers Dominik. “Maybe this thought arose from the feeling: It won't work anyway! If it's so unlikely, I might as well make super high demands. ”He talks about failed dates, crises and setbacks - but above all about moments when he got in his own way. If it were all about sex, the problem would be easy to solve. “I've been thinking about going to a prostitute. My father even gave me 1000 euros with the announcement: You can do it with that. I then used the money to buy a new PC. "

Many of his stories sound like he settled in on his failure. "Sometimes I think it could have turned out very differently." For example, an acquaintance urged him to take nudes of her. "Maybe that was a hidden hint, maybe not," says Dominik and laughs. He never checked. “I always blocked things like that and said to myself: Another missed opportunity. My failures were made by myself. "

How are people who think they are sexual failures? "If you can't find a counterpart who appreciates you, sooner or later you drift off," believes Dominik. Most unhappy singles tend to be preoccupied with themselves - and completely harmless. This is also reflected in the »Beginners« forums on the Internet, which are primarily about self-help and mutual support. The situation is different in the online community of so-called Incels (from »involuntary celibacy«, in German: involuntary abstinence). These mostly white, heterosexual men cannot find a wife either, but draw completely different conclusions from it. They see themselves as victims of a system, even as politically oppressed.

Some develop a bizarre philosophy that feeds on frustration, self-pity and misogyny. Her message: Feminism and the associated physical self-determination of women have eroded the sexual hierarchy. Before that, even "beta men" like herself had a partner. Today, however, all women would only want attractive "alpha men", while the rest would go away empty-handed. In short: women are primarily to blame for their sexual failure.

Just a small step towards revenge?

Sometimes only a small step is missing to seek revenge. The self-confessed Incel Elliot Rodger killed six people indiscriminately in Isla Vista, California in 2014. He is still revered by parts of the incel community to this day. Other gunmen also invoked Rodger. Shortly before an attacker killed ten people in Toronto in 2018, he wrote on the Internet: "The Incel Rebellion has already begun!"

It would certainly be wrong to attribute such acts of violence primarily to sexual frustration. It is at most one of the many ingredients in a potentially dangerous cocktail. On the other hand, there is a lack of concepts to help people who are struggling to establish romantic or sexual relationships. Special counseling offers could help to undermine radicalization.